Monday, 24 March 2008
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I try to feel the sunshine when standing in the rain
Seriously, I didn't want my first post to be about my stupid problems, but I can't help it. There has been so many things on my mind lately that I can't stop myself from crying sometimes. See, I have this problem that whenever I have alot of fun hanging with people and having the best time ever I end up crying and feeling so alone when everything winds down and im home alone. Right now I still feel like crying and everything stopped yesterday morning. I miss the people I was with from saturday afternoon until yesterday morning and it hurts, like it physically hurts me. My chest is tight and I feel uncomfortable, my throat feels like its closing up, I can't talk without my voice cracking and it's really starting to bother me. I know it's because I feel like im falling in love with someone and I miss this person so much right now. I love being with him, he makes me so happy, it just sucks that we live in seperate towns and im still in high school. I want to be with him every chance I get because when im with him nothing else bothers me. I live through my week only with the thought that as soon as Saturday comes I can see him again and spend all day and night and usually most of the day on Sunday with him and his family. That's one of the only things that keeps me going through my week and living it positively, though it really sucks because I won't be able to see him this weekend because he will be out of town with a friend. I want him to be mine, I truly believe I am falling in love with him, that's the only way I can explain the way I feel after he drops me off back home after an amazing weekend together. I'm not sure how long this post depression will continue to happen to me, but I hope that it soon stops because it's not healthy for me to feel like this, depression is never healthy. I need to learn that taking a day and not doing anything is just fine, and im not missing out on anything if i just hang out at home. That's another of my problems, as I get older I feel like I need to be active all the time. I hate just sitting at home even if I have only been home for an hour, I always feel like I need to go out and do something else. My mind just doesn't want to stop being active and it's putting a huge emotional strain on me. I miss being able to have an amazing weekend and when I go home Sunday night I can say, "Wow, that was so fun, I had such an amazing time and I can't wait to do it again, but right now I just need to relax." I am trying so hard not to be so sad about my plans coming to an end but it's hard when all my amazing plans revolve around this amazing guy that makes me feel so special and happy. After all that, it always comes down to the fact that I miss him so much. People tell me it's ok to miss him, and it's ok to feel a little sad when he's not there, but to go into a complete state of depression when I go home after hanging out with him is not good for me. I know that they are right and like I said im trying so hard to stop feeling like this, but it's very hard to stop when my feelings for him are so strong. I know it's too soon to say I love him, and it's way too soon to say I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I know that my feelings for him are very strong and love might be a word to pop up soon, if only he was mine. The thing with that is, he wants to be with me, he likes me alot, but right now he can't handle having a girlfriend. Which I understand, he just broke off a long term relationship about a month or so ago and he's starting his job so it's gonna be a little tough for him right now and he doesn't want to be tied down at the moment. Though soon, I know, that we will be together, I don't want anyone else, and he doesn't either. I just wish the day that he asks me out will come sooner than I truly expect it to. Well, I guess I will end this... until I write again.
Goodbye.
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